Why should I put myself out there? I'm hopefully going to grad school in the Fall, and over the summer might be in a program. I won't be around, and no one would be able to come with me. I think the path I am half choosing, half being chosen for, is leading me down a very lonely road, and I wonder if it would be better to go it alone. I try to find someone to talk with and be around. You are never supposed to look for someone, because they are not to be found, but run in to. There is no one here. I feel the older I get, the older the dating pool gets, it is getting to be a larger extreme of representation between the people in this city. You either find the loftily-goaled who have to sacrifice in order to achieve their dreams, or the ones who have settled and "given up." Of course I am being mean, but I'm not particularly happy right now. So far the exploits in dating around here have taken me to two peoples who leave for school, one who has no time for me, and another who can't get her mind around the idea that she doesn't have to date an asshole to be happy. I wish her the best and all, but really, I hope she learns her lesson, and imo she deserves it every time she goes back for more. I'm "not allowed to call her anymore" because it "causes too much drama." What a load of horseshit. You begin to have less sympathy for women stuck in mentally abusive relationships when you are a good guy who gets rejected more often than not. What should I care though; saves me the hardship of things ending if they never start.
So what should happen? Am I just wasting energy and emotions trying to find social satisfaction? Maybe it would be better to assume a shell again and put on the facade of an asshole. I would at least know perfectly well why no one would be interested, or if they are interested, why they have no urge at all to put forth a footstep of effort. Then again, I might get more prospects since it seems there are more women comfortable being treated poorly than those who want to be respected.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Long days
I don't like getting up early in the morning, and I like even less going to bed early in the evening. Some of my best thinking time is at night, and I miss it. I think the boot camp is good for me, which is something I have to repeat to myself while I'm straining through the exercises. This morning was on the gravity machines, and was not terrible; that or I am getting better at not feeling so sore.
I find I have little time to do regular online browsing, and should be spending more time on my classes, but it is very difficult to concentrate in online classes when they are...online, which means I am already at the computer, so why not check on that other little comics site and, oh, I forgot about this thing over here. After a little while I have lost track of what I was doing, and so there is a lag to get back into the studying.
I still don't have the text for my marketing class, though it should be here by the end of the day, and I will read it.
I think a bigger problem with my school work is I let it pile up, then flurry through it, then the next day, though I should be working on it little by little, I put it off because of the huge amount I did the day before.
I do a lot better at studying when I have a schedule written for the day, because I know when I can stop and have a goal in mind for time spent. However, because of the randomness of voice lessons, something I cannot complain about, I am, most of the time, unable to write a schedule. Then my work becomes a "I have to do this until I'm interrupted" thing, which is extremely irritating. Most of the time I can't rationalize staring anything, because I don't want to be interrupted in the next couple of minutes. I get very little done on those days, and then I feel I wasted time.
I was just handed the textbook, and I am glad it is here. I'll read a whole ton, and tomorrow not want it in my sight. I wish I had a little more control over my own schedule.
I find I have little time to do regular online browsing, and should be spending more time on my classes, but it is very difficult to concentrate in online classes when they are...online, which means I am already at the computer, so why not check on that other little comics site and, oh, I forgot about this thing over here. After a little while I have lost track of what I was doing, and so there is a lag to get back into the studying.
I still don't have the text for my marketing class, though it should be here by the end of the day, and I will read it.
I think a bigger problem with my school work is I let it pile up, then flurry through it, then the next day, though I should be working on it little by little, I put it off because of the huge amount I did the day before.
I do a lot better at studying when I have a schedule written for the day, because I know when I can stop and have a goal in mind for time spent. However, because of the randomness of voice lessons, something I cannot complain about, I am, most of the time, unable to write a schedule. Then my work becomes a "I have to do this until I'm interrupted" thing, which is extremely irritating. Most of the time I can't rationalize staring anything, because I don't want to be interrupted in the next couple of minutes. I get very little done on those days, and then I feel I wasted time.
I was just handed the textbook, and I am glad it is here. I'll read a whole ton, and tomorrow not want it in my sight. I wish I had a little more control over my own schedule.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
You have to start at the begining to find the current.
My time blogging started a while back, convinced by a now ex that it was another way to stay together. I don't know what you want to get out of this flow of thought for yourself, but if you are easily bored with details, I can tell you to skip to the next set of signs. ///
I was born ('85) in a small town where the rich are millionaires and the rest of us work for them. No one knows where we are unless they are here, come here, or don't care either way. I have a severe distinction of black and white when it comes to legalities, and a gray area in everything else I try. Two parents at birth, three now (since '01) living with two, feel estranged from the other most of the time because of the natural barrier of conversation created by a father becoming a friend after a divorce. I love him, but I was never comfortable talking with him about anything other than cars and building things, which, is part of the reason I became interested in those subjects. I wanted to relate on some level. Pretty average life for a kid with a high IQ -- staying inside off the streets of foreign neighborhoods (we moved a few times) and learning to relate more with a computer than with others. Learned to negate that when I went to college with people just as un-used to social interactions as myself. We all grew together, and if you know much about anything I pay attention to, I can rattle off hours of conversation. I still have a lot of trouble with anything "small talk."
I'm needy. I learned early I am rarely happy unless I am around someone I can confide in, and occasionally I will become depressed if this need is not met. That said, I am picky about girls, and fight with myself between the urge to not be alone, and avoiding dating someone for the sheer pleasure of company. I'm not proud of everything I do, and think everyone else should share that sentiment about themselves. I rationalize my negative qualities as normal, and my positive ones as extraordinary.
I am lonely most of the time in my home town
I sometimes feel better writing in stanza form
I constantly spell-check myself
I try not to look for love in the wrong places
I imagine more people will read this than actuality
My salvation is my brother and sister (though technically his wife, not my sister)
They keep me company and included
They might be the only two who read this
Well
Matt will probably glance
But he is so wonderfully busy
And I wish the best for him
I don't expect him to keep religious track of this rambling
///
Now that everyone is back, I am starting this as a way of getting my thoughts out of my head without the benefit of a confidant. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but there is no hurt trying.
I was born ('85) in a small town where the rich are millionaires and the rest of us work for them. No one knows where we are unless they are here, come here, or don't care either way. I have a severe distinction of black and white when it comes to legalities, and a gray area in everything else I try. Two parents at birth, three now (since '01) living with two, feel estranged from the other most of the time because of the natural barrier of conversation created by a father becoming a friend after a divorce. I love him, but I was never comfortable talking with him about anything other than cars and building things, which, is part of the reason I became interested in those subjects. I wanted to relate on some level. Pretty average life for a kid with a high IQ -- staying inside off the streets of foreign neighborhoods (we moved a few times) and learning to relate more with a computer than with others. Learned to negate that when I went to college with people just as un-used to social interactions as myself. We all grew together, and if you know much about anything I pay attention to, I can rattle off hours of conversation. I still have a lot of trouble with anything "small talk."
I'm needy. I learned early I am rarely happy unless I am around someone I can confide in, and occasionally I will become depressed if this need is not met. That said, I am picky about girls, and fight with myself between the urge to not be alone, and avoiding dating someone for the sheer pleasure of company. I'm not proud of everything I do, and think everyone else should share that sentiment about themselves. I rationalize my negative qualities as normal, and my positive ones as extraordinary.
I am lonely most of the time in my home town
I sometimes feel better writing in stanza form
I constantly spell-check myself
I try not to look for love in the wrong places
I imagine more people will read this than actuality
My salvation is my brother and sister (though technically his wife, not my sister)
They keep me company and included
They might be the only two who read this
Well
Matt will probably glance
But he is so wonderfully busy
And I wish the best for him
I don't expect him to keep religious track of this rambling
///
Now that everyone is back, I am starting this as a way of getting my thoughts out of my head without the benefit of a confidant. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but there is no hurt trying.
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